Posted by the writer on Jul 1, 2010 in
heart So this post is titled as such because that is exactly what is on my mind now after more than 40 hours of non-sleep.
The eyes and body are weak though the brain is somewhat overactive, at the moment.
Spent the 1st of July on the phone with police officers of all people… and a visit to the station. -_-”
Caught not a pot of gold but a fever which is nursing itself up to a frenzy at the very moment, threatening explosion if I still do not get myself off to bed.
What a start to the month of July!
I discovered that we do have telepathy between us. And yes… 
love the world!
Posted by the writer on Jun 19, 2010 in
heart I finally figured that there is something wrong with my attitude to life.
I take things too easy, too nevermind.
Most things are OK for me while to others it doesn’t seem to be so. And then I say, nevermind.
-_-
Honestly, what do you expect me to do?
I don’t like to recall unhappy stuff so I’d rather let things be. Of course there are times when I’d do something on purpose but it’s all in the name of fun.
See, I rather choose fun over anything else.
I’ve never seen it as a problem even though many people had very pointedly told me that I ought to take life more seriously.
Till now.
Like ten minutes ago.
When I woke up from an early night… to work on that paper. And after a few lame, and when I say lame…it is REALLY LAME!, badly constructed paragraphs, I emailed the thing out to my poor Professor and it just hit me. I ought to take things seriously. At least, for a start, take that paper seriously.
But that is not to say I’ve not been taking that paper seriously so far. I mean, I am serious about completing it. Just that it seems to me, that 12 minutes ago, all my effort has not been enough and I am actually having too much fun than being serious.
You know, some people are just so dead serious about everything and that makes them so boring stiff? I don’t want to become someone like that. And some people are so dead serious that it makes them so scary and murderous. =X
Nevermind. Shucks… there I go again.
Posted by the writer on Jun 3, 2010 in
heart I don’t like to see the back of people I love. It makes me feel I’m being abandoned. Perhaps I’ve not gotten over it. The fear haunts me still. Even though I don’t have any memories of what had happened because I was too young to know, the fear remains.
I’ve forgiven them for choosing to lead a life of their own without me. I understand their reasons for doing so. But there is no way I can ever get rid of the fear that haunts me because even when I didn’t know anything, the fear was there. It can never go away.
Despite having everything I could have, I have always felt a certain fear. Before I knew the story, the reasons, the explanations, I could not pinpoint what that fear was. A child, no matter how young, even a baby just days old, can feel such a fear. And it remains.
Shuttling between countries only made things worse because there was no anchorage. It doesn’t matter that everything was first rate; material comfort is no substitution for emotional comfort.
So please, don’t let me look at your 背影. It throws me into confusion and hopelessness.
Posted by the writer on Feb 26, 2010 in
heart Now is one of those times when I do not know what I am feeling. There seems to be a myriad of feelings in a jumbo cocktail and it is of all tastes at the same time.
I believe myself to be a good judge of character and yet I always repeat the same mistake of trusting the wrong person. Maybe, trust is something which should not be given easily and yet I’d always believe in the goodness of people before they’d proven that they are actually not to be trusted. Even though the instances of misplaced trust have been few and far in between, they hurt and each incident hurt deeply.
Some people are unable to trust others (even themselves) all their lives. Call me naive but I find living without trust a state worse than death. What is the point of being alive when you are constantly on your guard against others and there is absolutely no one you can trust?
The same thing with love. Love with your all heart. Love not for any reason. There is no because in love. Love changes. Love changes always for the better, not for the worse. In the latter case, it was not love.
Many things can camouflage love or masquerade as love. And how do we know it is love? We know because our hearts know. There is no explanation for love.
Love at first sight. How perfect. How sweet. A miracle. But love changes and you know how to accept these changes when you know love.
Love and trust are partners. They are never without each other. A person who cannot trust another can never love. A person who cannot love can never trust.
Sometimes I get tired. But I never give up. Perhaps I am too optimistic or naive. For there are people who’d never know love or trust.
Sadly, people who do not know how to love or trust will never be able to accept the love or trust of others. And people who are unable to accept the love or trust of others will never know love or trust.
Listen to what your heart says. Open it to others. Learn to live life and not let the weight of history pull you into its grave.
Even the fortune teller thinks I am too trusting by nature. So be it. I have no sky high ambitions. I have no wish to trample on others just to achieve my goals. I am happy the way I am and there is no harm bringing more love and trust into this world.
If only things were this easy. 24th February is the birthday of someone who mean a lot to me. I want things back to the way it was. But that is impossible. Trust is like a piece of glass. It can never the same once you break it. Maybe with a bit of magic, a little miracle, it could. But wishful thinking can never get things done.
Almost all the important people in my life are born on the 24th. Amazing.
Posted by the writer on Feb 12, 2010 in
heart And I just realised that you love me more than I love you.
Posted by the writer on Jan 22, 2010 in
heart I have a bad habit of skipping town whenever I’m upset.
I once took a cab to get across the causeway and checked into a hotel, with just the clothes I was wearing, the passport, my wallet, a cellphone and a very miserable heart.
It was most painful because of the miserable heart. I went there because I was looking for him. And I thought I remembered where he was. At 5.15am the next morning, I took a cab to the town he supposedly was at. It was the right town, I remembered all the landmarks or so I thought. At 6am, I was at the petrol station which I thought was nearby his house. At 605am, my cellphone’s battery died on me. I was completely lost at the petrol station with the highway in front of me and rows of almost countless houses behind. In one of those houses was the person I was looking for. I felt very tired. I wasn’t scared for myself but for the lost of this opportunity to see him again. I wanted to see him so badly.
Till now, I remember with excruciating clarity the feel of the morning air when my cellphone’s battery went died. The silence of the morning broken only by passing cars. The breaking of dawn. It felt both light and heavy at the same time. A glimmer of hope and yet darkness envelopes. The first time I felt a sense of lost.
And then a car drove up. Someone got out of the car. Someone familiar. One of Yikor’s men. They sent me back to the hotel where Yikor was waiting in the room next to the one I had left earlier that morning. He had known all along that I would attempt to look for that person. And for the first time in my life, he shouted and ranted and was like a mad man for all of almost an hour about the danger I was in and the amount of worry I had created. At that time, I couldn’t care less. All I thought about was how I had failed to find him. And all I ever wanted to do was to go off again to find him. I was angry with Yikor, extremely upset and tired, and so I shouted back and threw things at him as well.
I can still remember the look on Yikor’s face. I saw the tears he didn’t shed. Yet, I continued to behave like the spoilt brat that I was.
That person meant more to me than life itself. Yikor took years to finally accept this as a fact. He had thought it’d meant no more than a passing fancy to me but it was not. I told Yikor, I’d give my life to protect this person. I’d give up everything for him. I’d even give up Yikor…just for him.
If you never knew the meaning of pain, the pain of the heart, you never knew love. When two in love are separated by a situation beyond their control…that kind of pain…the real pain of the heart. That one true love. (刻苦铭心的相愛) But how do you know? You know because your heart knows it. And your heart can no longer accept another’s promise of happiness even when you say or think you can. That one true love.
The little breeze caresses your face, you breathe in deeply, let out a deep sigh, hoping that the emptiness will just go away but it remains an aching pain in your heart. And for many years after that, you still feel the emptiness weighing heavily, painfully in your heart though you may say that you have found happiness with someone else…”
That happiness is never complete without your one true love.
Posted by the writer on Jan 14, 2010 in
heart yikor, i dreamt of you yesterday. and it was only this morning, after i woke up from the dream, that i realised how much i miss you actually. in the past, i hate it whenever i hear people say that i am nothing without my brother. now i wish, i rather be nothing and have you by my side…
why do the really important people in my life have this irritating habit of disappearing from me?
they disappeared when i was barely a month old…you disappeared before my twenty first birthday…they reappeared…he disappeared after my twenty first birthday…you reappeared…he reappeared…i made myself disappeared…i reappeared…and you had to disappear…and along the way…fangs disappeared…reappeared…disappeared…i lost count of that…
i can’t find the words to describe how i feel now. the happiness of finding myself…of finding him…and then the scariness of losing you…the possibility that this may be forever…
if the only way to see you again is in the dreams, then i wish i’ll never wake…
Posted by the writer on Jan 10, 2010 in
heart like remembering my favourite snack and getting friends to buy over for me without my asking for it…
like the mentos sweets…
stuff like these touches my heart